Review Archive Series #5: Behold...the Arctopus, Nano-Nucleonic Cyborg Summoning cd

The following review represents one in a series of reviews published during my tenure as the resident music critic and assistant Arts Editor for The Phoenix, the official student newspaper of UBC-Okanagan in Kelowna, B.C. They are being reprinted here because I feel that while these reviews might represent a point of serious-suckitude in the developement of my writing, they are examples of my earliest attempts at criticism (if jerking off on an album's cover can be considered criticism), and above all: these albums desperately deserve the attention of your tinnitus-damaged ears.


















Behold...the Arctopus, Nano-Nucleonic Cyborg Summoning cd
Metal Blade/Black Market Activities, 2006

Dear reader, please indulge me in a favor. I entreat you to, in heart, mind, and spirit, ignore the fact that Nano-Nucleonic Cyborg Summoning is quite possibly the most-ridiculously titled album, ever. A name not even surpassed by the trio who hath wrought such a fucking perplexing beast of an ep. That being said, this three-song, 17 minute ep is one of the most mind-blowingly brilliant documents of instrumental progressive rock made in America today. I'm talking a prog-rock blowjob for your brain that you'll never forget! Nano-Nucleonic Cyborg Summoning is the King of prog-blowjobs (or Queen of said blowjobs, if that's your trip)! With this, their sophomore effort, Behold...the Arctopus crown themselves as the true successors to the throne of King Crimson. I cannot exaggerate this record's sheer awesomeness enough: this record is the soundtrack for the real 21st Century Schizoid Man.

Each solo launched on Colin Marston’s 12-string customized Warr guitar viciously assaults the human mind’s capacity to interpret rhythm and melody: first resulting in confusion,closely followed by reverent awe, and resulting finally in a total fucking face-melting. As indicated by ludicrous, pseudo-scientific song titles like "Estrogen-Pathogen Exchange Program", it is clear that the Arctopus’ tongue is placed so firmly in cheek that it has managed to pulsate, grow, pierce through the flesh, and lick it’s own eye. Fucking Behold this shit already!

Special Note: this cd was re-released by Metal Blade/Black Market Activities months later, completely remastered and featuring not only their previously released Arctopocalypse Now...Warmageddon Later ep, but some live cuts which shred even more than the 'official' studio tracks.